| Still. |
[19 Mar 2010|08:28am] |
On continues the depression. There are a few minutes out of every hour when I start to think I might be pulling out of this shindig. Then the niggling issues in my mind start talking to me and I'm right back where I started.
A brief aside to talk about Lasagna: Last night after I got home my computer had a very hard time booting up: continual error messages, missing target files. So I decided just leave it alone and sit on the couch and be depressed and watching SVU instead of just being depressed. The screen went black but I could tell something wasn't quite right as I was continually hearing the bell in the computer that goes ding when there's stuff. THAT MEANT THERE WAS STUFF. So I wake the retard back up and found that it had filled itself with little error boxes and just never stopped. I attempted to shut it down and it wasn't having any of it. I had to manually shut it off and then it was having absolutely none of turning back on. Thank god I had set it to boot from cd the night before while trying to run the Windows 7 upgrade that Darren had given me. I tossed in the OS cd and let it do its thing. Took the entire evening to get windows running again and to put all my drivers back on. Thankfully everything is fine again, and it's now running better than it was for 90% of the time I've owned it. I will need to download everything in the world again, but that's alright as well.
End Aside. Back to the depression thing. I know that logically I can't stay depressed forever. Last year when my life literally went to hell I decided to get through it with no medication and just go to group and therapy and fight it all on my own. Well, it worked and for a long time I was fine. Things are actually going very well for me. I am finally in a very good apartment, I just paid my taxes, I still love my job, I'm on track saving money, I have the best friends in the entire world (this is not an exaggeration, they really are and that fact is indisputable). Things are just generally very good in life. I have now come to realize in everything I've survived that ALL THAT MEANS DICK FOR DEALING WITH YOUR OWN HEAD! Pfft. Last night I woke up almost every hour with stress or horrible dreams or the usual freaking myself out. I'm taking Monday off in an attempt to sort my damn head out.
Something amusing from this morning. I was listening to KCEA which is our station run out of a classroom of some high school in Moraga by a troop of old men and it's nothing but 20's, 30's and 40's stuff. Today they played a disclaimer between songs that went something like this: "We hope you're enjoying our programming here on KCEA. Should you every now and again happen to hear a lyric which is... [calculated pause]... old fashioned... please remember that our programming is offered in historical context. Thank you for listening..." I loled.
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| [ ARASHI, Bayonetta, Durarara!!, Layton, MaruMa, OP, REBORN!, WK ] |
[18 Mar 2010|06:20pm] |
SHARING TIME:
ღ - Latest on Amano's chibi adventures where the Vongola try to battle chibi vampire Hibarin and oh god Amano is seriously my favorite forever.
ღ - Small fandoms friending meme that is one of the few of this kind of thing I like--mostly because they often include pictures or memes that make me genuinely curious about a series!
AND ONTO THE RECS:
ARASHI - 2 Fanfics
Bayonetta - 3 Fanfics
Durarara!! - 2 Fanfics
Katekyou Hitman REBORN! - 2 Fanfics
Kyou Kara Maou! - 2 Fanfics
Professor Layton - 1 Fanfic
Weiss Kreuz - 1 Fanfic
Katekyou Hitman REBORN! - 1 Doujinshi
Kyou Kara Maou! - 1 Doujinshi
One Piece - 1 Doujinshi
( ARASHI, Bayonetta, Durarara!!, Layton, MaruMa, OP, REBORN!, WK )
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| Again. |
[18 Mar 2010|08:56am] |
It's time to recount the latest bull in the hit parade. The 10 hits hitting festival. Around Monday afternoon I started to sink into very deep depression. Depression like I hadn't felt since I was in High School depression. I couldn't deal with anything. Nothing. I sank into an emotional hole. At least I knew enough to recognize that it was me feeling all that crap, and didn't go pointing fingers at people telling them that they don't care about me. That used to be what I did when I would sink like this. I would go to the closest people in my life and blame them all for how I was feeling. Poor Darren got the full force of all of that for a long time because of how close we were, and I feel so bad that I acted that way. This time I tried to keep out of my head long enough to avoid contact with the people I knew I would lash out at. I stayed off of the instant messaging and buried my phone in a pile of laundry. Then I cried some.
Tuesday and Wednesday rolled around and I had sunk even lower. I decided to try and not be too hard on myself, but still stayed away from contact with people. I hadn't heard from my family, and it seemed like after Saturday of last week when my mom ditched me with a dick move befitting only the sleaziest of 17 year old boyfriends that my sister was released from the hospital and taken home to Grass Valley. My mom is passive aggressive and never tells anybody anything unless they straight up ask, and even then she doesn't always give a lot of information. Gosh, I wonder who that reminds me of. Why are there so many people in my life who never want to tell anybody anything!?
So my sister had been home for two days and I didn't even know until yesterday morning. When I spoke with my mother I told her about the depression and got the token 'take care of yourself' speech. She sounded superior. When people tell me to cheer up when I'm depressed I want to punch them in the face. There's no 'cheering up'. There's no feeling better until something chemically changes. The thing is I have no idea why this is happening to me. If I don't start to feel better in a week I'm going to have to go to the doctor and try to find out what's wrong. I'm going to talk to one of the DBT group leaders from Kaiser and see if I can get back into another group. I have been out of group for six months, and I think it might be time to go back.
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| MAAAHH CAAAKE |
[17 Mar 2010|08:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
FULL TIME ADULT ASSISTANTTT |
] |
I diiiiid it~ I baked my first cake~ It's really more like a brownie, but oh well. Thanks to my mom for helping me out with calculating measurements and for my sis for letting me use her tools XDDD
Photos~
It's pretty yummy and chewy :D :D :D :D And the frosting has cream cheese so it's great tasting~
Happy early birthday to my dad!
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| Jonojen matematiikkaa |
[18 Mar 2010|01:08am] |
#alterego @ IRCNet:
00:02 <@diogenes> "If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction."
00:03 <@Endel_> :D
00:03 <@diogenes> oletan että jonossa lisäännytään tasaisesti koko matkalla ja lapset vaan taapertaa jonon päähän
00:04 <@diogenes> eikä jää siihen osaan jonoa, jossa vanhemmat on, vaikka se olis järkevää
00:07 <@viu_> Jonon seuraaminen voisi olla ihan kivaa.
00:08 <@Xuenay> Onko tässä otettu huomioon se, että vastasyntyneet liikkuu aika heikosti ja lapset siten siirtyy varsin hitaasti jonon perälle?
00:10 <@Endel_> siinä tapauksessa lapsia kannattaa olla jonon alkupäässäkin
00:10 <@Dronir> jos ne vaan ikään kuin tasoittaa sitä jonoa, että uudet ihmiset tulee vanhempiensa perään jonoon ja loppujono hidastaa hiukan hetkeksi, ja v staavasti kuolleet putoaa välistä pois ja jono tiivistetään
00:10 <@Endel_> tai kaikkialla jonossa, koska muuten välistä kuolevat ihmiset vähentävät kärjessä kulkevan lapsen hidastusvaikutusta
00:10 <@Dronir> nyt alkoi tehdä mieli mallintaa tota jonoa matemaattisesti
00:10 <@diogenes> Xuenay: ehkä ne voidaan miesvoimin siirtää sitä jonoa pitkin silleen et kukin ojentaa lapsen takanaan tulevalle
00:10 <@Xuenay> diogenes: Ah, pointti
00:11 <@Xuenay> Tosin sit pitää ottaa huomioon maksimilapsenojentamiskapasiteetti
00:11 <@Endel_> näemmekö silloin kaksi jonoa, joista toinen kulkee takaperin? :p
00:11 <@Xuenay> Montako lasta ehtii ojentaa minuutissa?
00:11 <@Endel_> Xuenay: riippuu kai edikasta
( Read more... )
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[17 Mar 2010|01:26pm] |
Yesterday was the worst night of my life. Seriously.
After I posted, about every half hour I was running to the bathroom until around 2:27. (After the first 3 times, I started keeping track.) Then, like around 2:40 I had to go again and it was so horrible that I honestly thought I was going to pass out or something.
Thankfully, my mom stayed the night here last night. She knows how sick I'd been the last two nights, and how I couldn't sleep. She said it was only like a 20 min longer drive to work from here than home, then stayed here. If she hadn't, I dunno. I'd probably have passed out in the bathroom or something.
Plus, she brought all kinds of medicine from home with her. So like at 3 when I finally had the strength to leave the bathroom again, I went to the kitchen. Two story house, I was in a bedroom on the second floor and she was in one on the first floor. So I banged a chair around because I was so woozy I didn't think I could honestly make it down the stairs.
She seems to think it might have been food poisoning since it was so violent and on-going, and the past three days before I only exhibited cold symptoms. (From what? All I had yesterday was one piece of KFC chicken, orange juice, water and a bowl of ramen soup.)
Anyways, had some strange fever dreams, which were surreal and kinda disturbing. (But also a nice diversion.) And she says she asked me 4 times if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I only remember her asking me twice. (And one of the times my excuse being - I haven't shaved my legs in over a week.)
But now I feel much better. She left behind the Kayopectate and before she went to work she brought me CVS pediasure.
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| Insomnia again |
[17 Mar 2010|12:11am] |
Screw tring to even get up remotely early tomorrow.
Yesterday (since its technically tomorrow) I slept through my alarm. I set it at 9:30 cause I figured if I was gonna stay home from work, I was gonna at least do a shitload of Gamertell stories to make up for it. Got up after 11:45.
Yesterday I was happy cause I got like 4-5 (nonconsecutive) hours of sleep. I was exhausted and sluggish all day, but managed to knock out 8 news stories (though I had to auto spell check like a hawk). But couldn't actually sleep, if I tried to nap. I was just starting to feel better tonight around 8pm ish. Nose was stuffy but open. Throat wasn't raw or achey.
Now? Nose all stuff up. Throat gets raw and dry if I try to breath through my mouth. And, I'll spare you TMI info, but I was in the bathroom for like a half hour after 10 and now I have stomach cramps.
My day job boss is sick too. But I don't think I can blame him for getting me sick, or vice versa, because he started feeling sick on Sunday too - just like me. And he wasn't in the office last Thursday or Friday.
I think there's just some godawful cold-flu thing going around. I look at my Facebook news feed (which still isn't fixed damn new layout) and I'd say 1/5th of the comments are people lamenting colds or flus.
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[16 Mar 2010|11:21pm] |
So this is more of how ASL translates to English.
You know to Miley Cyrus. Still pretty cool!
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[17 Mar 2010|05:11am] |
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All I've been doing is just stare at this box.
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| The Listener |
[16 Mar 2010|06:51pm] |
The family had finally gotten their new house built. One of the first things they did was to throw a housewarming party and bring in the Listener.
It was a good party - a bit rowdy at times, but such was the way of parties. The house was full of folk, some enjoying themselves on the makeshift dance floor, some sitting in remote rooms and talking, just enjoying each others' company. There were even the stirrings of a hesitating romance or two, taking root between some of the guests.
The Listener came in during the early hours of the party, and stayed the whole night. She walked back and forth in the house, letting her instincts guide her way. She didn't speak to anyone, but she studied the house and the party with all her senses. She tasted the cheese that was being offered, savoring the taste of each crumb in her mouth. She let her fingers glide across the sturdy wooden supports, remembering the great oaks she'd watched being felled to make the supports. She drew in the smell of all the people, gathered together in such a small space, and she watched as they smiled and danced.
But most of all, she listened. Listened to people talking, laughing, yelling. Listened to the wind blowing outside, listened to the faint breathing of the house. She'd heard all these sounds before, back when she'd stood at the forest clearing the house would eventually be built on. She'd wandered across the clearing, touching the grass and breathing in the air, and she'd listened to the birds, the animals and the wind. And as a faint echo, an aural aftertaste almost too quiet to be heard, she had heard the sounds of this party. She had listened, then, until she had ascertained that the tone was a merry one, without any tinges of sadness. Then she had known that there would be no serious accidents while the house was being built.
Now, intertwined in all the merriment, she could still make out echoes of that day in the forest, of the birdsong she had listened to. But now she could also make out more distant sounds, ones stretching all the way to the distant future. Sounds of daily life in the house, children being raised and elderly grandparents being attended to. Even she could not have heard them before, for the house had still been but a remote possibility, one future among many. Now that it had been built, it was an anchor in time, entirely new possibilities stretching out from it.
Many of the guests at the party would glance at her every now and then, anxious to see her expressions. And mostly, they were met with relief, for the Listener was smiling gently to herself. At the door to one room, she could hear the laughter of children not even born yet, as clearly as if they'd already been there. At another room, the sounds of those children being conceived. And at one room, she thought she could almost hear one of the children as an old man, gently telling his own grandchildren of his youth.
The Listener spoke for the first time after the guests had left. She spoke to the adults in the family, telling them about the things to expect. They would have a good life here, though of course there would also be quarrels, fights and misfortunes. Here she had to choose her words carefully, for to be a Listener, being able to hear the echoes of the future wasn't enough. During the party, she had also heard snippets of angry conversations, drunken confessions and tearful apologies. She had heard people reveal long-held secrets, ones that were the true reasons for many of the arguments yet to come. It would have been unwise and needlessly hurtful to reveal them now, before things had naturally reached that point. So she spoke her assurances but also her warnings, carefully worded not to say too much, but also not to be vague to the point of uselessness. With some, she spoke to in private, making gentle suggestions of what needed to be said, and of what would be better off unsaid.
When it was all said and done, she slept the night at the house and ate one last meal. Then it was time to leave, for there were other places and houses to visit, other families needing the advice of a Listener. As she was walking down the road, she stopped and turned, looking at the house one last time and smiling.
It would be a good home.
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| Tah Dah |
[16 Mar 2010|08:48am] |
And this is the stupid way I'm choosing to tell you people that I have officially lost 37 lbs. This is more joyous than it actually is because this arbitrary number was the exact moment I said I would buy myself new pants!
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| If I find out who got me sick... |
[15 Mar 2010|10:14am] |
... I am going to break into his or her home and sneeze on every phone and eating utensil.
I don't know when I've felt so miserable. Even though its just a cold, it's excrutiating. I wish for yesterday, when my only problem was my throat was a teensy bit sore. Now I have that, plus a completely stufed nose, headache and two plugged up, ringing ears. I could yawn to pop my ears, sure, but that's going to hurt like hell.
To make things worse, I got exactly 2 hours of sleep last night. I fell asleep at like 7am, and woke up 9:54am. Not exactly an ideal way to start the day. Especially since yesterday I probably slept 5 hours.
So I called in sick, when I was up at around 6am. Boss understood and was more than happy to have me not come in and infect everyone else.
Also, watched Celebrity Apprentice last night. The fact that Blagojevich is on there is an insult to every Illinois resident. That lying scumbag belongs in a jail, not on a reality show as a pseudo-celebrity. I may keep watching just to see if Goldberg eventually beats the crap out of him, because its obvious Goldberg doesn't like him. That, and Sharon Osbourne and Cyndi Lauper are just too adorable.
And... maybe it's just the cold and sleep deprivation talking... but BretMichaelslookedreallyhot.
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| Sick, I think... |
[14 Mar 2010|07:46pm] |
Ugh.
Yesterday, for no reason, I got this chill. I was supposed to go out and see Brooklyn's Finest, but I just didn't feel right.
Then, 15 minutes before I was going to leave, my throat started killing me. It was all raw, ichy and achy. And by that time, I was burning up.
So I stayed home. For some reason, drinking water would hurt, so I had two bowls of that cheap ramen. I even had trouble sleeping last night, because of the ache, even after taking Dayquil. (I prefer it to Niquil.)
The weirdest thing was, it kept me from sleeping straight through last night too! I'd start to fall asleep, then I'd swallow and the hurt would wake me up. Or I'd be drowning in drool. >-<
Today it's not as bad though. Like it was irritated this morning, but after Dayquil, orange juice and soup, it isn't bothering me barely at all.
I wonder what I could have caught? It's not a flu, because my stomach's fine and I have no aches or pains. And I don't think it's a regular cold, because my nose isn't stuffed up or running, and I'm not coughing. The only thing out of the ordinary is a raw throat and my ears are ringing. :P
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| poor decisions |
[14 Mar 2010|05:36pm] |
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Argh, I was so tired after I got back home from the library and picking stuff up (and spending all morning on housework and homework lol) that I had a headache and wanted to take a nap. I then made the mistake of deciding to read MW while lying in bed.* BIG MISTAKE. Now I'm wide awake because my brain is in the equivalent mood of PUNCHING ITSELF IN THE FACE (in a good way, where you can't stop thinking about the plot and the characters and the events and et cetera over and over, and I need to do something to make it stop, and lying in bed staring blankly isn't one of those somethings). It's kind of funny to compare it to a lot of shounen ai or yaoi manga out there, even the ones that equally try to ramp up the violence/drama/shock value/heavily religious overtones and have intricate, well-thought out plot beyond just "oh look, hawt smex" ... and then to watch a master comics storyteller beat them all into the ground with a work from the late 70s that has an arguably "less appealing"/more retro or cartoonish art style, and add political conspiracies, science fiction, medical and historical references ... Go Osamu Tezuka, continue decimating with your awesomeness.
* That summary doesn't do justice to the book (it makes a lot of stuff sound like it happened out of nowhere lol), but then again most summaries don't.
OKAY YESTERDAAAYYY Joanna and I went out for Not Really Doodle Day. We went downtown to go shopping for materials for our selling art display and other artsy stuff like taking pictures of architecture. Now imagine a little squirrel and orange with inside-out umbrellas being blown about the city, and wet bags of stuff flying everywhere, and you have a pretty good idea of how it transpired lol. But we got a lot done! I might post some of my photos later, although most of them were pictures of discarded broken umbrellas that we ran across throughout our trip (including two that were sticking out of garbage cans). I thought it was amusing to document this. I'm still sad I didn't take a picture of the first one we saw that was splayed all over the sidewalk just outside my condo :{
Last but not least, nemi posted this and I thought it was too awesome not to share. Some of these matchups are just too, uh, apt.
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| Quand j'y repense... |
[14 Mar 2010|02:14pm] |
2004:
- EPITAnime, tournoi débutant: 1er
2005:
- Gamers' Assembly: éliminé d'office à cause d'une organisation à la CON par des M-Gamers à la CON qui n'avaient pas pris en compte mon inscription sur leur stand en bonne et dûe forme et en temps et heure voulus et n'ont rien trouvé d'autre à faire que de m'opposer au champion en titre, qui n'aurait dû intervenir qu'à partir des DEMI-FINALES!
2006: rien
2007:
- StunFest: 4e place
- Tournoi ITG: entré, pas poursuivi (à cause du cosplay)
2008:
- StunFest: 4e place
2009:
- Tokyo Café (février): victoire
- DDR League LanObs: victoire
- StunFest: 4e place
- DDR League CSC Arlac: victoire
- DDR League Grande Finale: Top 16, sur 35 participants
- NeoArcadia (décembre): 2e, face à Max Payne
2010:
- DDR League CSC Arlac: victoire
... et malgré la montée en puissance de Tyrann qui peut passer des 10 sans barre alors que j'ai toujours le syndrome des jambes lourdes à chaque fois que je veux passer une 10 sans barre, eh ben... je crois que je resterai un bon bout de temps invaincu sur Bordeaux, à cause de ma précision. C'est toute une finesse que de réussir à taper rapidement et avec précision, justement. Comment expliquez-vous, justement, que Tyrann a été dominé sur Horatio (une zike très stylée flamenco avec les bourrages de pas que ça implique) alors qu'il l'a choisie avec un speed-mod pour se faciliter la lecture, pendant que je l'ai tentée au même niveau, en étant en cosplay (en plus!!), avec des godasses trop fines, et sans speed-mod? Tout simplement parce que j'ai développé ma précision.
DDR, ce n'est pas qu'un jeu de bourrin, il faut rester précis si l'on veut gagner.
(ceci dit, j'aurais bien aimé voir THK en cosplay, tiens. Juste pour le fun...)
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| got wheels, kinda |
[14 Mar 2010|02:37pm] |
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music |
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New Found Glory, All Downhill From Here |
] |
got a bicycle, fun. intense cardio workouts, legs ache pleasantly, hands smell of rubber from the new handlebar grips. there's a haiku in there somewhere.
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| Cooler than Hobo Con |
[12 Mar 2010|09:35pm] |
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Lol, there was an article in today's Star about this guy who, for over a decade, pretended to be "Little Billy", a curious 10 year old with a penchant for letter-writing. He wrote to a variety of people, from politicians to serial killers to religious leaders and companies, asking them sometimes bizarre but never completely irrelevant questions. Some examples: writing to a porn mag publisher asking if there was a version for kids (he was told to go read a Sears catalogue), and writing to the National Hobo Association asking what he should do if he wanted to be a hobo when he grew up.
It also seems he wrote to a number of incarcerated people asking whether he should drop out of school or not. A lot of the responses are pretty insightful in terms of shedding light on the respondent's own personal situation ...
Anyways, he published the letters and responses in a book. I did a quick search and found some articles:
The Star article
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/03/10/little-billys-letter.html (this one also has the hobo letter and response)
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| Oh, boy! |
[12 Mar 2010|12:51pm] |
I'm a finalist in this contest, and the winning prize is to get my picture printed on pretty canvas!
Vote for photo 4, pretty please?
http://bit.ly/djmc1a
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